Outside Over There

The good news is that I just paid the bills for this month and it looks like we're going to break even! Yesterday I was panicking, thinking we were going to be about $1400 short, so it's comforting to realize that everything is going to be okay. I hate not paying credit cards balances in full every month, and I've carried a balance for two months in a row on one card, so it thrills me to be able to pay it off. Maybe next month I will begin to rebuild my savings so that I'll be able to afford to stay here over the summer (I don't get paid for July and August). Maybe, also, Royce will find a job. That would help out immensely, especially when I stop getting paychecks (and doubly so if I am laid off at the end of the school year).

It's easy to see why people fight about money. I feel blessed that Royce and I have good lines of communication on that front. We talked yesterday about finances, and there is still some hope: we should get paid for the website soon, plus Royce will be getting a check to do a website for a friend's real estate venture, plus when said real estate venture profits, Royce will be getting another check (repayment of an old loan) that will tide us over for quite some time.

We are still in limbo about what we're going to do next school year. If Royce gets a job that makes him happy, obviously we will stay. It would be ridiculous to throw away a good job in these economic times. If he doesn't and I get laid off, then we will have to leave. We will probably go to Louisiana if that's the case. Lotus send me a link to a great teaching program where they train you and pay you to get certificated in Louisiana (unfortunately the deadline for that is April 1 so I'd have to apply without knowing whether or not we are staying here, and to apply I'd have to take tests that cost $260 total and as I have mentioned we are very short on cash...but I digress). Also, the perfectly cute house a couple of doors down from Lotus is for sale. For $23K. 20-year mortgage payments, even with no money down, would only be about $160/month! It's ungodly! Also very tempting.

My mother is very negative about the whole plan. Why is it so cheap there? she asks. She thinks this is a rhetorical question, ostensibly because Louisiana is so awful that nobody wants to live there. Well, hello, nobody wants to live in Drain, Oregon, either! The truth is that she is upset that we wouldn't be living close to her. We would happily move to Drain if a) there were any jobs there for us and b) we could afford to live there. Even in Drain, houses cost more than $23K, and there is absolutely nothing to do. My sister, with a bachelor's degree, who is fluent in French and Spanish and incredibly smart, is working as a dishwasher. At least in Louisiana I would be able to teach, because they are desperate for teachers, and we could afford to live on my salary so Royce could go back to school and finish up his degree. Then he'd be able to support us, and I could "quit and raise babies", as he put it. This would be a positive thing. Why doesn' t my mother see it that way?

Actually, the whole conversation I had with my mother was negative. She told me that I should probably stop hoping that the WNET people will call me about Colonial House, because it's been a week and obviously they would have contacted everyone by now. She is probably right, but who knows? Last time they got 5000 applications, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got twice as many this time! Maybe it will take them a few weeks to sort through them. Aren't mothers supposed to be supportive of crap like this?

I love my mom. She is an incredible person. Not, however, an optimist. Also not the kind of person who disguises her misgivings, even if that means being negative about the hopes of her children. I'm not sure this is a flaw, but sometimes I wish she'd be a little more like Royce's mom, who thinks (or acts like she thinks) that every word from her children's mouths is from the mouth of God, and fully expects them to succeed in everything they do, even if it involves buying the Brooklyn Bridge. Maybe it's a Scandinavian stiff-upper-lip kind of thing, where my mother feels immodest lauding me and my goals, because I know she's proud of me on some level. Or maybe she didn't learn that kind of parenting from her alcoholic, dysfunctional family. She was and is a wonderful mother to me, and that's probably why I want her approval so badly. Just once I wish she would say: "Oh, that sounds really great! I'm excited for you!" instead of listing all the reasons it might not work out. I know the reasons, Mom. I know the good and the bad, because you taught me.

LISTING

I am exhausted. I always have a problem falling asleep on Sunday nights, after a weekend of sleeping in, but this was ridiculous. At 3:30 a.m. I was still awake, which means I got a maximum of two hours of sleep. Surprisingly, I am not entirely a zombie, in part because I ate breakfast for once. I know, I know, Responsible Women Eat Breakfast. However, I don't.

Here are some lists of things I was thinking about while trying to fall asleep last night:

The Kind of House I Would Build if I Were a 17th Century Colonist

• Cave? (cold, damp, smoky)
  
• Dugout in a hillside? (bugs!)
  
• 4 post/Clapboard? (drafty)
  
• Log cabin? (unstylish)
  
• Frame house? (terribly expensive)

Things I Would Cook in an Iron Chef Battle if the Theme Were "Crab"

• Grilled Crab-Claws with Herb-Infused Butter
  
• Crab Polenta with Spicy Tomato Sauce and Prawns
  
• Crab Souffle with Cranberry-Orange Chutney
  
• Bouillabaisse
  
• California Roll with Sesame Sauce
  
• Something Gross Involving the Ice Cream Maker

Things I Need to Remember to Buy

• Conditioner (brilliant me bought two kinds of shampoo instead of shampoo and conditioner)
  
• Bottled water
  
• Milk
  
• Baking yeast
  
• Razors
  
• Laundry detergent
  
• Food

Reasons Why I Won't Get Picked for "Colonial House"

• I am out of shape.
  
• I am not involved in my community, except through my job.
  
• I don't do interesting stuff for a camera crew to record.
  
• I don't talk a lot when I am nervous.
  
• I hate cameras.
  
• I do not want to be an indentured servent (the only role I can fathom a single woman might play in the series).
  
• I am not pretty enough to be on TV.
  
• I didn't say anything particularly original in my application.

Reasons Why I'm Scared That I WILL Get Chosen for "Colonial House"

• What if I physically can't do it?
  
• What if I get hurt or sick, or there are a lot of big spiders?
  
• What if this series is designed to be more "commerical" (read: exploitative and stupid) than I imagine?
  
• How will I endure five months apart from Royce? (Assuming he is not chosen, too.)
  
• Will he be there when I get back?
  
• My kitties will probably forget me.
  
• What if I hate my life when I get back? What if my whole outlook on the world is changed?
  
• I will probably look really awful on national TV.
  
• What if other people on the show are mean to me or don't like me?
  
• Historically accurate menstrual thingybobs. I am screaming on the inside.

Reasons Why the Real Colonists Would Have One Up On Me

• They already knew how to do basic stuff like: sewing, spinning, weaving, cooking over an open fire, using 17th century recipes, splitting wood, sawing lumber, caring for livestock, preparing herbal remedies, gardening/farming, fishing, butchering animals, etc...all of which I'd have to learn in a very short period of time.
  
• They were used to things like outhouses, smoky indoors, going years without bathing, living without electricity, eating ucky stuff and almost no veggies. They were not engaging in a culture shock, they were trying to recreate English culture in a new place....whereas I would be trying to recreate someone else's culture, which would involve not only doing things differently than I've done my whole life, but also adjusting psychologically to the isolation and change of routine.
  
• They were knowledgeable of and accustomed to living under a stricter set of laws that governed legal rights and gender roles.
  
• They travelled with a larger community of colonists, and (at least in New England), generally travelled with a family group.
  
• They knew what all their supplies were for, and were already in shape (i.e. had practice lifting heavy cooking implements, walking long distances, etc.).

Reasons Why I'd Have One Up On the Colonists

• No hostile natives.
  
• A finite period of time to survive. Also, the impossibility of starvation because they won't let people starve on PBS.
  
• Vaccinated against major diseases, other major diseases wiped out, hence healthier to begin with and unlikely to fall ill.
  
• Birth control.
  
• Knowledge that things are going to be different than my current life. Although I'm sure my expectations are unrealistic, I think they might be more realistic than many women who travelled to the Americas in the 17th century.
  
• (Hopefully) better-preserved stores that don't arrive rotten and infested with parasites.
  
• Knowledge of modern hygiene and sanitation.

Are you tired of these lists yet? Now imagine these damn things for four hours when you know you have to get up in the morning! Moral of the story: COUNT SHEEP.

ARGH. Long post just deleted by blogger (well, my stupidity, really, but let's blame blogger).

To summarize:

1) My hair is too long. Last night when I was trying to get my groove on, I couldn't get my pajamas off because my hair was all tangled up in them. Hair also gets stuck in doors, armpits, my pants. Time for a haircut, or at least time to braid it at night.

2) I have been doing excessive research on Colonial life and I tried to post a long list of interesting tidbits. Instead you just get a link to an article with Colonial kitchen garden schematics and a list of plants and their uses. You can thank me later.

3) I am annoyed at how I get obsessed with one thing after another. These obsessions seem to last about a month. This month is colonial life. January was about old home buying/restoration. December was dairy goat farming and cheesemaking. October and November were about knitting (this one I have not abandoned entirely). I'm annoyed because these obsessions take up a lot of my time and often prevent me from getting things done at work, but have little or no impact on the quality of my life (knitting being the exception, which is why I think I'll continue that one)...just more money spent on books, more time spent doing internet research. I suppose it increases my body of knowledge, but not in any useful way. BLAH!

I think that the reason I am so frustrated with the piles of boxes is that when there is unpacking or cleaning to be done, I feel guilty about pursuing any of my other hobbies. The only reason I've gotten any reading done** is because we spent Friday night at La Dolce Vita. I get cranky when I don't have my usual outlets.

[**Finished The Piano Tuner, by Daniel Mason. I was disgusted to realize that the author graduated from college in 1998. Which means I should be writing! I have no excuse! It was a fine book, and enjoyable if you like semi-historic fiction in the style of A.S. Byatt, although Mason's writing is not quite as rich and layered as Byatt's. I will not spoil the book with a synopsis.]

By Sunday evening I was a certifiable wench. Despite the work we had done, all the mountains of dishes and clothes and boxes we had conquered, more remained, and I was not looking forward to the prospect of yet another week of 8-hour days. I confess I am always a little grumpy on Sunday nights for that reason. This, combined with the rampant insecurity I've experienced since moving in with Royce, made me convinced that he wasn't going to like me anymore now that he had seen the "real" me.

"Hillary," he said to me gently, after he'd coaxed me into our usual falling-asleep embrace. "I knew who you were when I moved in with you."

We have a lot of boxes in our apartment. Royce talks about them like they are never going away. Like his millions of CDs and computer keyboards and paperbacks are going to stay in boxes FOREVER. Why? Because we are short on shelf space. I know, we can get more bookshelves. Royce doesn't seem to think this is going to happen in the near future. I assure you, this will happen in the near future, because I cannot envision another week of living with boxes. Can't handle it. Getting shelves and CD holder thingy TONIGHT.

We got so much done this weekend, though. Royce worked his ass off doing laundry. Both of us had ungodly amounts of dirty clothes. Ungodly amounts remain, but he got SO MUCH done. He is the best ever. We have a great division of labor. I do dishes, he does laundry. This is a highly satisfactory arrangement for yours truly, as I hate doing laundry with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns. You know, one of the summers I lived in New York, I NEVER DID LAUNDRY. I washed some things in the bathtub once. But basically I went three months without doing the laundry. I know, I'm filthy. However, I think I washed 17,000 dishes this weekend with almost no complaining. You see how it works out? I love this man.